Sucker CertificateTM*
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   Dear Sir/Ma'am: 

    Thanks for your truthy* emailed information.  However, please check out: , , , or any reputable mainstream source.  With your fairytale submittal, you have just qualified for a Sucker Award Certificate (in 1 of 3 flavors): 

    Sucker-Born-Every-Minute Award  

    Chicken-Little ("The sky is falling!") Award                                                         

    Boy-Who-Cried-Wolf Award                             


    Along with the certificate, you also win an exciting trip through the grocery store checkout line to pick out your favorite tabloid:,,, or

    You may present us with the bill for your favorite tabloid (or fake news website subscription) at the next group meeting.  Your only obligation will be to report to the group as to the meaning of life, as described by your choice of magazines (please bring it for display), and how it applies to our group.  You will also be entered into our annual Sucker Award contest.  Winner of this astounding annual loser contest will be judged by quantity and quality of false information he/she circulates to the group throughout the year.  If winner desires, picture of the 1st Order of Sucker award presentation may be posted on our website!       

Yes, could this be you?!         


     If you don't win our annual award, you will be happy to know that three Sucker Certificates qualifies you for your own personal "Idiot Identifier" bumper sticker!  To have us properly affix this eye-catching wonder, please first leave your unlocked car in a poorly lit area of your fair city for three days and then call us for further instructions and a lift in our "Enterprising We'll Pick You Up and Clean You Out" limo service to our "You Can Always Trust Us!" frequently-replenished used car lot.  Our more than fair transportation fare can be applied to your first purchase!  And your car-shopping time will likely be reduced, as most of our customers, especially those who've lost expensive cars, are amazed and pleased to find, in our "your-taste-always-in-mind" selection, cars amazingly similar to the beloved ones they'd just lost!  To the first customers this week we're offering complimentary, rare solid gold coins from the Chocolate Chip Mint.  Feel free to show them to your admiring friends, but we just ask that, in handling them with only cold hands, you please don't bite, leave in the sun, bend, fold, spindle, or mutilate!
Please note that this is an equal opportunity contest.  We hope never to send out a "4U-lantineTM :  an unsettling, energy-draining 4U's email which is 1.  Unsigned, 2. Undated, 3. Unbelievable, and not surprisingly 4. Untrue, usually upon quick, easy investigation!  If we ever waste your time by sending you on one of these four-engine-false-alarm, foul-ball-chasing, adrenalin-sapping (no pun intended) wild-goose-chases, let us know and we’ll buy ourselves some tabloids!!

    In thinking a little more about the Sucker Certificates, it came to us that another option might be made available:  the Nigerian Nobel.  However, winners who choose this option will have to give us their SSN’s, bank info, and a modest down payment (house title) to cover the handling fee so that the $1,000,000,000,000 Nigerian Nobel prize can be released!  Go for the gold!  Why screw around with measly tabloids?!  Act now and get a gold-embossed free copy of "101 Secrets to Become a Millionaire By Scamming On The Internet," a free bottle of rube-baiting snake oil, and half ownership of the Brooklyn Bridge (other half can be purchased for only $9.95 cash; limit only 10 halves per customer)!!!


    Note:  your Sucker Certificate medal/ribbon can be enhanced by a beautiful, personal image-enhancing, heroic Hippo Hypothesis device/cluster.  Attaches to lapel by solar-powered magnet (required DieHard® marine batteries sold separately): 

    Qualifier for Hippo ("crite" pronounced silently) Hypothesis award is that one doesn't practice what one preaches:  eg, one who collects or seeks one or more government incomes/handouts yet rails against socialism**. 
If hypocrisy is not honest and "you can't cheat an honest man," then is it any wonder that most never give such cheated suckers "an even break"? 
Well, if applicable, take heart and save big today with our compassionate Chump Challenge special pricing:  Buy 1@$10; 2@$30!  
:)  :(  :)

Please visit our friends at: 

Click here to send Nigerian Nobel SSN's, bank details, etc., questions, or sucker nominations.  : )

You're in luck!  Here's our special, limited-time offer (expires in 13 minutes)!
We found some old coins in our back yard with a "buy and hold" recommendation note from Adam and Eve.  Want to buy one?  Includes at no extra charge a genuine, historically accurate xerox of A/E's note!  Let us know.  We're giving all our very best friends a big discount off the regular $10,000 price.  After we cash your $9,995.95 cashier's check or money order, do your friends and neighbors a favor -- tell them about it, too!  They'll love you and think you're very smart!!  Don't wait -- supply is limited, and time's running out -- buy now!!! 

Let us leave you with our special "Loons and Liars" offer: 
Send in your whopper (along with $10 p/h) -- We'll send you our unbelievably amazing square circle!
Comes with free ribbon and bow fit for an emperor.  Note:  only very intelligent people can see and appreciate it! 

* "Truthiness is a quality characterizing a 'truth' that a person claims to know intuitively 'from the gut' or because it 'feels right' without regard to evidence, logic, intellectual examination, or facts."    Quote from one winner:  "I don't care what the facts are, it should be true!" 

**  If we'd get a dollar every time we hear someone (a "self-hating socialist"?) directly or indirectly suck on the government's teat and then yell at "socialist swine," we'd be rich!  Maybe almost as rich as you'll be with all the above special offers!!   :)  :(  :)    
BTW, corporate welfare can sometimes lead to socialism for business, or Corporate Socialism, which
also goes by the name of Fascism -- aka National Socialism or Nazism.  
Favorite phrase in this realm:  "Socialism for me is not socialism!"

If you're into this, let us know -- our LagerCamp, er factory, makes all sorts of "Big Lie:  Arbeit Macht Frei" lapel and tie pins!  These beautiful, genuine "Fool's Gold" pins are free for volunteers taking our quick factory tour!  In addition, all taking the tour will not only get to eat their cake but have it, too!  
: )  : (  : )  

Return to   
Copyright 2011-2020  W. Bahr;  Acknowledgments to image providers. 

* We'll happily substitute a quality certificate of your choice:  boob, butt, chump, dolt, dupe, easy mark, fall guy,
fool, gull, jamoke, mark, naif, patsy, pigeon, pushover, rube, sap, stooge, or "useful idiot."

Please open these doors; it may blind you!   Door 1Door 2.

"Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices."  — Voltaire [1767]   : (

A Proverb
"He that knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool -- shun him.  He that knows not and knows that he knows not is simple -- teach him. 
He that knows and knows not that he knows is asleep -- wake him.  He that knows and knows that he knows is wise -- follow him."  Anonymous

The Cadet Prayer
"...Encourage us in our endeavor to live above the common level of life.
Make us choose the harder right instead of the easier wrong,
And never to contend with a half truth when the whole can be won."

The "messenger" just "passing along" a mixture of poison and beer is still passing along poison!
Think the FDA will let this "just a distributor" stay in business for long?  
Think the uncaring, willfully ignorant host serving discerning guests a mixture of dinner and dung will be fondly remembered?  : )  : (  : ) 

Question -- In a conversation between a wise man and a fool, who learns the most?   : ) 

"The Sucker's Saying:  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame!"


"Here, take a lick (and a licking)!"

Born yesterday?  Just fell off the turnip truck?  Do we have a certificate for you!      

Alternative facts courtesy of Faux News, Inc.,  Liars' Clubs International, and SHAME ASS (SHoot first AiM Eventually ASSociation)

For more fun, check out The Book of Boo!


Remember to widen your information sources (check out the “blind men’s” proverbial elephant from different angles) and hold your wallets tight (except for deserving charities, of course)!   : )

"Credibility, credibility...a terrible thing to waste!"

"Character is what you are in the dark."  –  Dwight L. Moody


“You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.”  ― Abraham Lincoln (~ attributed)

'A man who will steal for me will steal from me.' Theodore Roosevelt, dismissing on the spot one of his best cowhands who was about to claim for his boss an unmarked animal.”  –  David G. McCullough
Same may be said for lying and cheating...? 



Emperor's New Clothes   Wolf in Sheep's Clothing   My what big teeth you have, Grandma   Pied Piper   Big Hat No Cattle 

 Image result for pyramid scheme

Three-card Monte   Pyramid Scheme   Tulipmania


Bait and Switch   Dumb Money   Stupid Is As Stupid Does    Smoke and Mirrors


Bernie Madoff:  Trust Me!                 Deal with the Devil:  Sell your soul


Willful Ignorance:  Head in Sand      Snake Oil Salesman     Bread and Circuses       Frog in Pot (incremental heat brings no reaction)



As Sheep to the Slaughter                              Fool's Gold                          Wooden Nickel                            Pinocchio



Sold a bill of goods    Wizard of Oz: Look behind single-channel magic/propaganda; get second opinions/perspectives   Fox guarding henhouse



Incite Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt                                Hype!                           Look, watch the Red Herring!         You want the truth?  You can't handle the truth!     



                              Wild Goose Chase                            Lie with Statistics       Mushroom Management



                              Temptation                                        Stupidity                                             BS Artist   


                       Excuses                                                   Fly by Night                                     Take It With A Grain of Salt



"Repent, the end is near"  ─  the 2% who never get the word!        Fool's Errand                               Snipe Hunting                                                                     Holding the Bag

For a thrilling experience, rent one of our "Blind-leading-blind" self-guided tours!! 

Emperor's New Clothes, Wolf in Sheep's Clothing, Little Red Riding Hood and Grandma Wolf, Pied Piper, Three Card Monte, Pyramid Schemes, Tulipmania, Bait and Switch  Sell Soul

Sucker Born Every Minute Song        Video of How They Make 6 Thousand Dum-Dum (real name!) Suckers Every Minute

How to Spot a Liar     Know your history:  Charles Ponzi      Don't Be a Sucker (video)      Baloney Detection Kit

Had your friends hammer your credibility? Now you can get your very own buttons, hats, and more.  Just click on item.  Mix and match! 

 Useful Idiot Button    Useful Idiot Party Hat  


Useful Idiot, Idiot ID, Idiot Identifier


Thanks!  Not ours, but claim credit if yours! 


Calling again about something we've promised? 
Please hold your breath:  your check is in the mail.  In the meantime, here's another

Invi$ible-ink $ecret $pecial fun and profit offer to Wi$e guys (only very $mart people can $ee thi$) 
Want to help us find more $uckers? 
For a big comi$$ion, just $end them to thi$ page!  We'll take it from there!!! 


Need fancy words to call/impress your leader and/or information source (if not a fellow dupe)?  Check these out 4 4ee: 
 BS artist, cheat, charlatan, con artist, con man, confidence man, counterfeiter, deceiver, deluder, dissembler, dissimulator, distorter, double-dealer,
equivocator, fabler, fabricator, fabulist, false witness, falsifier, faker, fibber, flimflam man, fraud, grifter, happy-talker, hoaxer, hypocrite, imposter,
knave, liar, maligner, misleader, mountebank, quack, perjurer, pettifogger, phony, pretender, prevaricator, promoter, propagandist, quibbler, rip-off artist, sham, shyster,
spin-meister, sophist, storyteller, swindler, trickster, (phrases:  dishonest and/or dumb; liar and/or loony). 
Note: If your leader and/or information source somehow questions your praise, just tell them you were joking, being sarcastic, misquoted, or never said it. 
Best if you randomly alternate these replies to avoid further problems! 

NB:  Scamming the Scammers?  

4YI: If you’re not familiar with James Veitch, check these out:

 Agony of Trying to Unsubscribe:

More Adventures (hilarious):

Terrible Roommate:

Wrong Number (also hilarious):

Others among many:


Proud affiliate$ of DisHone$t John Enterpri$e$

A la: "Give me the mortgage!"  "I don't have the mortgage!"

Updated  5/11/2020