Sucker
CertificateTM*
TM
Dear Sir/Ma'am:
Thanks for your truthy* emailed information. However, please check out: TruthOrFiction.com , www.Snopes.com , UrbanLegends.about.com , FactCheck.org , FlackCheck.org, MediaBiasFactCheck.com, NPR Fact Checker, OpenSecrets.org, PoliticFact.com, Sunlight Foundation,
or any reputable mainstream source. With your fairytale submittal, you have just qualified for a Sucker Award Certificate (in 1 of 3 flavors):
Sucker-Born-Every-Minute Award: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/There%27s_a_sucker_born_every_minute
Chicken-Little ("The sky is falling!") Award: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henny_Penny_%28fable%29
Boy-Who-Cried-Wolf Award: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Boy_Who_Cried_Wolf
Along with the certificate, you also win an exciting trip through the grocery store checkout line to pick out your favorite tabloid: www.globemagazine.com, www.starmagazine.com, www.nationalenquirer.com, or http://weeklyworldnews.com
You may present us with the bill for your favorite tabloid (or fake news website subscription) at the next group meeting. Your only obligation will be to report to the group as to the meaning of life, as described by your choice of magazines (please bring it for display), and how it applies to our group. You will also be entered into our annual Sucker Award contest. Winner of this astounding annual loser contest will be judged by quantity and quality of false information he/she circulates to the group throughout the year. If winner desires, picture of the 1st Order of Sucker award presentation may be posted on our website!
Yes, could this be you?!
If you don't win our annual award, you will be happy to
know that three Sucker Certificates qualifies you for your own personal "Idiot
Identifier" bumper sticker! To have us properly affix this eye-catching
wonder, please first leave your unlocked car in a poorly lit area of your fair
city for three days and then call us for further instructions and a lift in our
"Enterprising We'll Pick You Up and Clean You Out" limo service to our
"You Can Always Trust Us!" frequently-replenished used car lot.
Our more than fair transportation fare can be
applied to your first purchase! And your car-shopping time will likely be
reduced, as most of our customers, especially those who've lost expensive cars,
are amazed and pleased to find, in our "your-taste-always-in-mind" selection,
cars amazingly similar to the beloved ones they'd just lost! To the first
customers this week we're offering complimentary, rare solid gold coins from the
Chocolate Chip Mint. Feel free to show them to your admiring friends, but
we just ask that, in handling them with only cold hands, you please don't bite,
leave in the sun, bend, fold, spindle, or mutilate!
Please note that this is an equal opportunity contest.
We hope never to send out a
"4U-lantineTM"
:
an unsettling, energy-draining 4U's email which is 1. Unsigned,
2. Undated, 3. Unbelievable, and not surprisingly 4. Untrue,
usually upon quick, easy investigation! If
we ever waste your time by sending you on one of these four-engine-false-alarm,
foul-ball-chasing, adrenalin-sapping (no pun intended) wild-goose-chases, let us know and
we’ll buy ourselves some tabloids!!
In thinking a little more about the Sucker Certificates, it came to us that another option might be made available: the Nigerian Nobel. However, winners who choose this option will have to give us their SSN’s, bank info, and a modest down payment (house title) to cover the handling fee so that the $1,000,000,000,000 Nigerian Nobel prize can be released! Go for the gold! Why screw around with measly tabloids?! Act now and get a gold-embossed free copy of "101 Secrets to Become a Millionaire By Scamming On The Internet," a free bottle of rube-baiting snake oil, and half ownership of the Brooklyn Bridge (other half can be purchased for only $9.95 cash; limit only 10 halves per customer)!!!
===================
Note: your Sucker Certificate medal/ribbon can be enhanced by a beautiful, personal image-enhancing, heroic Hippo Hypothesis device/cluster. Attaches to lapel by solar-powered magnet (required DieHard® marine battery and possibly trailing wagon sold separately):
Qualifier for Hippo ("crite"
pronounced silently) Hypothesis award is that one doesn't practice what one preaches:
eg, one who collects or seeks one or more government incomes/handouts yet rails against
socialism**.
If hypocrisy is not honest and
"you can't cheat an honest man," then is it any wonder that most never give such
cheated suckers "an even break"?
Well, if applicable, take heart and save big today
with our compassionate Chump Challenge special pricing: Buy 1@$10; 2@$30!
:) :( :)
Please visit our friends at: www.cartoonstock.com/directory/s/sucker.asp
Click here to send
Nigerian Nobel SSN's, bank details, etc., questions, or sucker nominations.
: )
We found some old coins in our back yard with a "buy and hold" recommendation note from Adam and Eve. Want to buy
one? Includes at no extra charge a genuine, historically accurate xerox of A/E's note! Let us know. We're giving all our
very best friends a big discount off the
regular $10,000 price. After we cash your $9,995.95 cashier's check or
money order, do your friends and neighbors
a favor -- tell them about it, too! They'll love you and think you're very
smart!! Don't wait -- supply is limited, and time's running out -- buy
now!!!
Let us leave you with
our special "Loons and
Liars" offer:
Send in your whopper (along with $10 p/h) -- We'll send you
our unbelievably amazing square circle!
Comes with free ribbon and bow fit for an emperor. Note: only very intelligent
people can see and appreciate it!
*
"Truthiness is a
quality characterizing a 'truth' that a person claims to know intuitively 'from the gut' or because it
'feels right' without regard to evidence, logic,
intellectual examination, or facts."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Truthiness Quote from one
winner: "I don't care what the facts are, it should be true!"
**
If we'd get a dollar every time we hear someone
(a "self-hating socialist"?) directly or indirectly suck on the government's teat
and
then yell at "socialist swine,"
we'd be rich!
Maybe almost as
rich as you'll be with all the above special offers!!
:) :( :)
BTW, corporate welfare can sometimes lead to socialism for business,
or Corporate Socialism, which
also goes by the name of Fascism -- aka National
Socialism or Nazism.
Favorite phrase in this realm: "Socialism
for me is not socialism!"
If you're into this, let us know -- our LagerCamp, er factory, makes all sorts
of "Big Lie: Arbeit Macht Frei" lapel and tie pins! These beautiful, genuine
"Fool's Gold" pins are free for volunteers
taking our quick factory tour! In addition, all taking the tour will
not only get to eat their cake but have it, too!
: ) : ( : )
Return to www.bahrnoproducts.com
Copyright 2011-2022 W. Bahr; Acknowledgments to image providers.
*
We'll happily substitute a
quality certificate of your choice: boob, butt, chump, dolt, dupe, easy
mark, fall guy,
fool, gull, jamoke, mark, naif, patsy, pigeon, pushover, rube,
sap, stooge, or "useful idiot."
Please open these doors; it may blind you! Door 1. Door 2.
"Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make
you commit atrocities [injustices]."
—
Voltaire [1767] : (
A
Proverb
"He that knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool -- shun him. He that knows not and knows that he knows not is simple -- teach him.
He that knows and knows not that he knows is asleep -- wake him.
He that knows and knows that he knows is wise -- follow him."
Anonymous
The Cadet Prayer
"...Encourage us in our endeavor to live above the common level of life.
Make us choose the harder right instead of the easier wrong,
And never to
contend with a half truth when the whole can be won."
The "messenger" just "passing along"
a mixture of poison and beer is still passing along poison!
Think the FDA will let this "just a distributor" stay in business for long?
Think the uncaring, willfully ignorant host serving discerning guests a mixture of dinner
and dung will be fondly remembered? : ) : ( : )
Question -- In a conversation
between a wise man and a fool, who learns the most? : )
"The
Sucker's Saying: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on...me?!"
"Here, take a lick (and a licking)!"
Born yesterday? Just fell off the
turnip truck? Do we have a
certificate for you!
Alternative facts courtesy of Faux News, Inc., Liars' Clubs International,
and SHAME ASS (SHoot first AiM Eventually ASSociation)
For more fun, check out
The Book of
Boo!
Remember to
widen your information sources (check out the “blind men’s” proverbial elephant
from different angles) and hold your wallets tight (except for deserving
charities, of course)! : )
https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Blind_men_and_an_elephant
"Credibility, credibility...a terrible thing to lose!"
"Character is what you are in the dark." – Dwight L. Moody
“You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all
of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.” ―
Abraham Lincoln (~ attributed)
“'A man who will steal for me will steal
from me.' Theodore Roosevelt, dismissing on the spot one of his best cowhands
who was about to claim for his boss an unmarked animal.” – David G.
McCullough
Same may be said for lying and cheating...?
Emperor's New Clothes Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
My what big teeth you have, Grandma Pied Piper Big Hat
No Cattle
Three-card Monte Pyramid Scheme
Tulipmania
Bait and Switch Dumb Money Stupid Is As Stupid Does Smoke and Mirrors
Bernie Madoff: Trust Me! Deal with the Devil: Sell your soul
Willful Ignorance: Head in Sand Snake Oil Salesman Bread and Circuses Frog in Pot (incremental heat brings no reaction)
As Sheep to the Slaughter Fool's Gold Wooden Nickel Pinocchio
Sold a bill of goods Wizard of Oz: Look behind
single-channel magic/propaganda; get second opinions/perspectives
Fox guarding henhouse
Incite Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt Hype! Look, watch the Red Herring! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
Wild Goose Chase Lie with Statistics Mushroom Management
Temptation Stupidity
BS Artist
Excuses Fly by Night Take It With A Grain of Salt
"Repent, the end is near" ─ the 2% who never get the word! Fool's Errand Snipe Hunting Holding the Bag
Scorpion and Frog Fable — "Sorry, it's in my nature!" "Sorry, Sucker!" Bend the Truth
Cross fingers Gullible Gus Beauty is not truth! Hidden Agenda Misinformation / Disinformation Central
Brainwash
Alternate Parallel; Universe Reality Bizarro's World
Conspiracy Theory Delusion
Separate Channel; Reality-distortion Field
True Believer
Snow White, the Evil Queen, and the Poisoned Apple:
"And because you’ve been so good to poor old granny, I’ll share a secret with
you. This is no ordinary apple, it’s a magic wishing apple. One bite and all
your dreams come true. Now make a wish and take a bite!"
For a thrilling experience, rent one of our "Blind-leading-blind" self-guided tours!!
"There are none so blind as those who will not see!"?
Emperor's New Clothes, Wolf in Sheep's
Clothing, Little Red Riding Hood and Grandma Wolf, Pied Piper, Three Card Monte,
Pyramid Schemes, Tulipmania, Bait
and Switch Sell Soul
Sucker Born Every Minute
Song
Video of How They Make
6 Thousand Dum-Dum (real name!) Suckers Every Minute
How to Spot a Liar
Know your history:
Charles Ponzi
Don't Be a Sucker (video) Carl
Sagan's Baloney Detection Kit
Had your friends hammer your credibility? Now you can
get your very own buttons, hats, and more. Just click on item. Mix
and match!
Useful Idiot, Idiot ID, Idiot Identifier
Thanks! Not ours, but claim credit if yours!
Feeling played in the Post-Truth Era? Calling again about something we've promised?
Please hold your breath: your check is in the mail! In the meantime,
here's another
Invi$ible-ink $ecret $pecial fun and profit offer to Wi$e
guys (only very $mart people can $ee thi$)
Want to help us find more $uckers?
For a big comi$$ion, just $end them to thi$ page! We'll take it from
there!!!
Need fancy words to call/impress your leader and/or
information source (if not a fellow dupe)? Check these out 4 4ee:
Bamboozler, bluff, BS artist, charlatan, cheat, chiseler, con artist, con man, confidence man
(confident enough to gain your confidence),
conniver,
counterfeiter, cozener,
crook, deceiver, decoy, defrauder, deluder, dissembler, dissimulator,
distorter, dodger, double-crosser, double-dealer,
double-talker,
double talker, enticer, equivocator, fabler,
fabricator, fabulist, false witness, falsifier, faker,
fibber, flimflam man, fraud, grifter, happy-talker, hoaxer, hoodwinker, hypocrite, imposter,
inveigler, jockey,
knave,
liar, maligner,
masquerader, misleader, mountebank, quack, perjurer, pettifogger, phony, pretender, prevaricator,
promoter, propagandist, quack, quibbler, rascal, rip-off artist, rogue,
scammer, sham, shark, sharper, shyster,
spin-meister, sophist, storyteller, swindler, trickster,
(phrases: dishonest and/or dumb; liar and/or loony), weasel.
Note: If your leader and/or information source somehow questions your praise,
just tell them you were joking, being sarcastic, misquoted, or never said it.
Best if you randomly alternate these replies to avoid further problems!
Other words for lie, or sort of: beat around the bush,
blow hot and cold, cavil, cloud the issue, con, cop out, cover up, cycle, dodge,
double-talk, elude, equivocate, escape,
eschew, evade, falsify, fence, fib, flip-flop,
fudge, give run around, hedge, hem and haw, jive, mince words, palter,
parry, parse words, pass the buck, prevaricate, pussyfoot,
quibble, run around, shuck, shuffle, sidestep, sit on the fence, stonewall, tell
white lie, tergiversate, waffle..
NB: Scamming the Scammers?
4YI: If you’re not familiar with James Veitch, check these out:
Agony of Trying to Unsubscribe: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dceyy0cX6J4
More Adventures (hilarious): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4Uc-cztsJo
Terrible Roommate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5d8pVg3Qtg
Wrong Number (also hilarious): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beb8zCGMsbI
Others among many: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3MAv5LuMfU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p50pXcDu_4s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDc-M4dHr0s&list=PLSKUhDnoJjYmeW6nNasZSaVAGh4u91pEk
Darwin Awards Cleansing the Gene Pool
The secret of magic? Misdirection! Oh, wow, look over there!!!!!
US Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit: "Victims of con artists often sing the praises of their victimizers until the moment they realize they have been fleeced."
“No lie is too obvious for the people to believe if it accommodates their secret wish to believe it.” — Christa Wolf
The curse of "dumb money" (often-inherited) falling prey to a con artist: If you're so rich, why ain't you smart? : ) : ( : )
"Con artists are experts at sizing people up, figuring out what they want, and selling it to them." — Maria Konnikova (The Confidence Game)
"The longer you believe in the con, the harder it is to admit
you’ve been scammed. ... It should be noted that anyone can fall for
a scam. It’s not about who you are or how smart you are, but where you are in
your life. People who are already down—in debt, for instance, or recently
laid-off—are more vulnerable because they’re eager for quick solutions. On a
larger scale, this means con artists thrive during times of social, political,
and economic upheaval, when societies are in periods of tremendous change and
people are desperate for someone to set things right—someone who affirms their
beliefs about the world and themselves. ... Many frauds occur in a
one-on-one relationship in which con artists develop a personal rapport with
their victims, but there’s a dark history of charismatic leaders conning the
masses too. They all employ essentially similar techniques, says David Modic, a
senior researcher on the psychology of deception at King’s College, Cambridge:
They figure out what most people want and promise it to them, but vaguely, so
everyone thinks they’re getting what they want. When Slobodan Milosevic, the
former president of Serbia, held large rallies, he famously responded to the
screaming masses, “I cannot hear you very well, but I want to give you what you
want.” ...
“As soon as you hold a position, you divide people into those who agree and
those who don’t,” Modic explains. ... The con game isn’t a one-way street. It
depends on the willing participation of the person being conned—what Kodic
refers to as “victim facilitation.” Con victims are almost always complicit in
their own deception. They want to believe in the scam. That’s the true secret of
the trade, as Konnikova notes: The victims do most of the work." ... In
psychology, it’s called the endowment effect. As Konnikova explains it: “By
virtue of being ours, our actions, thoughts, possessions, and beliefs acquire a
glow they didn’t have before we committed to them.” ... Often, as a con
progresses, the victims are repeatedly asked to commit: to re-invest, to raise
the stakes, to reassert their beliefs." — Elizabeth Winkler
Will a con artist, shill [paid social influencer], or someone who seeks willful ignorance ever admit to what they're up to, even with your best evidence? Don't hold your breath!
"One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been
bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re
no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us.
It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been
taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back."
—Carl Sagan
"Don't fall for the okeydoke (aka okie-doke; okey doke; okie dokie; misleading agreement to get one to lower one's guard)." If you don't see it, don't believe it!
"Competency challenge":
People who lack knowledge frequently lack the knowledge to realize they lack the
knowledge.
:
) : ( : )
4YI, a
couple questions have been popping up lately, but mostly, “Why do people persist
in believing in something when all evidence would speak to the contrary?”
This is surely the case with the “Emperor’s New Clothes.” More likely than not,
over the years with each reality confrontation contradicting their world belief,
they did not “check their premises,”
as Ayn Rand (not that she was perfect or a living embodiment of her own advice)
would have recommended. “Check your premises” follows along per Aristotle’s law
of identity (A = A ≠ B)
that insists that contradictions in the real universe don’t/can’t exist.
So what happens? Year after year, such people aiming for near-term gain add to
their shell of rationalizations to which
no light or bit of reality can apparently change.
Each year of denial solidifies the concrete in which they’ve encased
themselves. While killing innocents in Cambodia’s Killing fields,
the mantra
went up of “They’re just chickens!”
Cheating people? Oh, it’s their fault that they trusted me. They’re born losers
and suckers! And as one person said, “Ef ‘em and forget em!”
So nothing, yes absolutely nothing, will change such people’s minds. If they
persistently try to convince you of the rightness of their cause in the
overwhelming absence of any honest proof,
you are truly wasting your time arguing with a zombie. Step away with a friendly smile and move on,
not looking back, as Lot did with his lost wife.
OTOH, you might leave them with a “sucker certificate”: :
) : ( : )
Watch out for all attacks on the truth!
Stay
away/safe/well/sane!
Note (a very charitable alternative explanation): "Confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or supports one's prior beliefs or values. It is an important type of cognitive bias that has a significant effect on the proper functioning of society by distorting evidence-based decision-making. People display this bias when they gather or remember information selectively, or when they interpret it in a biased way. For example, a person may cherry-pick empirical data that supports one's belief, ignoring the remainder of the data that is not supportive. People also tend to interpret ambiguous evidence as supporting their existing position. The effect is strongest for desired outcomes, for emotionally charged issues, and for deeply entrenched beliefs." From Wikipedia
Hitler's and Goebbel's use of the Big Lie
Poll: When is National Sucker Day? 1 April (April Fools' Day) or 20 July (National Lollipop Day) or both?
Check back soon! We discovered a rare trove of
mint-condition, uncirculated indulgences in Pope Leo X's recently opened secret
crypt.
We're now in the final stages of getting
ready to open our new "Indulgences Department." For a small suggested
donation, you, too, can get saved!
Sucker CentralTM: The home for Shysters,
Shills, and Suckers! Proud affiliate$ of DisHone$t
John Enterpri$e$
A la: "Give me the mortgage!" "I don't have the mortgage!"
Luke 16:10 (King James): “He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much.”
“No punishment, in my opinion, is too great for the Man, who can build 'his greatness upon his Country’s ruin.'” — George Washington ~ Letter to Joseph Reed (December 12, 1778)
*
13
[patriotic]
words: "Where the Hudson takes a hard right
[right at Trophy Point],
West Point teaches the Harder Right."
W.
Bahr, USMA '69 © 2014
Updated 10/18/2022